President Donald Trump, flanked by two confused Secret Service agents wearing Stormtrooper armor, announced from the Oval Office today that he had officially “fired the losers at NATO” — by beginning negotiations with the Galactic Empire to reopen the Strait of Hormuz.
The move comes as the strait, a vital international waterway for the oil trade, remains closed due to the ongoing war with Iran. So far, the closure has led to skyrocketing oil prices around the globe, while traditional U.S. allies have refused to send warships to reopen the strait.
“I called AYATOLLAH MACRON, who frankly is a VERY SMALL MAN physically and mentally, and I said, ‘Emmanuel, we’ve got a problem with the Iran water. The boats won’t go through. The big oil boats. They explode,’” Trump said on Truth Social, his own social media platform. “And he says, ‘Oh, Donald, it’s not our war.’ Can you believe him? I said, ‘Listen, we saved your croissants in the Big One, and now you can’t even help us in the Middle East?’ So I fired them. I fired the losers at NATO. It’s a failing organization. Very LOW ENERGY. Our country is being laughed at by these weak ‘allies’ while our gas prices go through the roof! NOT ON MY WATCH!”
After being ghosted by Germany and the U.K., Trump instructed NASA and the State Department to find him a real ally in the deep reaches of outer space.
“We need a strong empire on our side,” Trump said. “One that doesn’t worry about the Geneva Convention or the Radical Left ‘international law’ conspiracy, which is very unfair to our soldiers. Very unfair. We’re always getting punished by it, for some reason.”
The result was a long-range holographic summit with Emperor Sheev Palpatine of the Galactic Empire that dominated a galaxy far, far away. According to two U.S. officials, Trump described the Emperor as “very misunderstood” and credited Palpatine’s Order 66 as “the most successful mass-firing in history.”
“I spoke with the Emperor. Very powerful guy. Great skincare, by the way. He’s got that very natural, very pale look,” Trump said. “I said. ‘Sheev, baby, I need some Star Destroyers. I need some big triangular ships — they’re very aerodynamic, very beautiful—to park over the Strait of Hormuz. We’ll call it the Trump-Palpatine Peace Corridor.’ He’s a tough negotiator, though, but nobody negotiates better than me.”
Negotiations reached a nadir when Palpatine demanded a tribute of a thousand star systems, to which Trump countered with a lifetime membership to Mar-a-Lago and one “Get Out of Jail Free” card redeemable at The Hague.
“He was a little bit difficult,” Trump admitted. “I told him, ‘Listen, Sheev, you’ve got a Death Star that keeps exploding. You’ve got a very bad architectural team. You need someone who knows the Art of the Deal. I could’ve built the Death Star with half the price and with much better windows.’ He didn’t like that. He’s very sensitive. He ended the call by trying to electrocute the hologram. Very rude. Very disrespectful to the office of the Presidency.”
The State Department is unsure whether or not the incoming Star Destroyers will help reopen the Strait of Hormuz or glass Mar-a-Lago out of spite. But even as the U.S.’s global standing continues to crater and the strait remains closed, Trump still insists that interstellar diplomacy is the way forward.
“I’ve sent Marco Rubio on a spaceship to meet the First Order,” Trump said. “One of their top guys, Kylo Ren, murdered his dad in cold blood. Despite his liberal views, I think we can make a tremendous, phenomenal deal.”
