McLean High School administrators confirmed Wednesday that their new OpenGate security system successfully detained a local sophomore for 115 minutes after his backpack was flagged for containing a catastrophic density of school supplies.
The suspect, identified by his “I Heart STEM” keychain, was neutralized at the front entrance after the scanners emitted a high-frequency shriek, indicating the presence of an overachieving collection of metal water bottles, a three-ring binder and a Chromebook.
“The perimeter was breached by a high-velocity student, but OpenGate performed exactly as the brochure promised,” said Safety & Security Specialist Stan Dard, while adjusting his tactical lanyard. “Protocol was clear: I pointed at the sign that says ‘Walk Slowly.’ He ignored the sign. At that point, the student essentially declared himself an enemy combatant.”
The situation escalated when the student, having finally cleared the first gate after four attempts, was flagged by the secondary scanners for what police confirmed was a single stick of Extra Spearmint gum.
“He kept shouting, ‘It’s just foil! I’m going to miss my AP Chem knowledge check!’ which is a classic diversion tactic,” said junior Will B. Late, who witnessed the standoff from the back of a line that had since snaked through the parking lot and into a neighboring zip code. “The guards were professional, though. They told him that if he didn’t hold his Chromebook at a perfect 165-degree angle above his cranium, the AI would perceive his geometry as a threat. He eventually just sighed, surrendered a three-inch folding knife he’d forgotten was in his bag and went back to the start of the line to wait another forty minutes.”
Administrators were quick to dismiss the fact that the actual weapon was recovered only after two hours of searching for a suspicious prototype calculator, instead focusing on the system’s impressive return on investment.
“By the time the suspect was cleared to enter, he had missed his knowledge check, his titration lab and his sense of dignity,” Principal Rick Tayter said. “That is 100% fewer stabbings than we would have had if we hadn’t spent the entire morning emptying his pencil case. To any student who thinks they can arrive at 8:00 AM and be in class by 8:05: we have four words for you: ‘Back of the line.’”
At press time, the administration was reportedly considering a $200,000 upgrade that would require students to pass through the detectors in alphabetical order while humming the “Highlander Rumble” to prove they are not autonomous killer robots.
