Getting the SR&R guide is always my favorite part of the year. When that brilliant yellow book hits the desk, I almost cry out in delight every time. I am restrained only by the knowledge that no one has actually “cried out in delight” since that “awfully hot spell” in the summer of 1888. Anyways, the point is, I’m excited. Beyond telling me about all the ways in which I can enjoy the limitations typically imposed upon a very menacing child, that splendidly bound volume has myriad uses:
• Fun party fare! Ever been bored at a party? If you have, there are actually probably a lot of things that are seriously wrong with you. But I haven’t the time to go into those (the editors at The Highlander make writers take a lap every time they get off topic.) However, having your SR&R guide would certainly be a step in the right direction. There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned game of “Guess That Restriction!” Players who guess wrong can be suspended from the party for up to five minutes—or even expelled!
• A hat. Outside of school that is. If you wore it inside we might not be able to tell your identity (just the way they couldn’t tell Superman’s identity when he put on those very confusing glasses). Besides, it’s disrespectful to wear hats. Nothing says “I have enormous contempt for you” like a head adorned with a magnificent fedora.
• Origami. Origami is the Japanese art of folding paper into a wide array of different figures. This one isn’t even a joke. Origami is the only beautiful thing that could possibly come from that book. Also, I’m really into origami. Really, really into it.
Well, that’s it for now. I have places to go (Vientiane, the International Space Station, that weird and vaguely troubling back room in my basement), and things to do (domesticating feral mice, writing an experimental novel, designing the indentation in my pillow to fit the heads of various famous people). So, until next time, keep reading this over and over until you memorize this column completely, right down to the last word—kumquat.
