With high school prom season underway, thousands of teens across the country are preparing to funnel months of emotional projection and disposable income into a single four-hour event held in either a Marriott conference room or a dingy gymnasium.
“Prom is a once-in-a-lifetime event,” said high school senior Brittany Clark, who began preparing her contour strategy in mid-January. “It’s the one night I get to spend $800 on a dress I hate and make direct eye contact with my future disappointment in a rented ballroom.”
At press time, Clark was reportedly Googling how to remove self-tanner from formal wear and checking to see if her date had Venmoed her half the cost of the party bus as promised. He had not.
This year’s prom themes range from “Roaring ‘20s” to “The Great Gatsby.” Referencing the past is a fitting choice for a night they’ll likely forget inspired by a book they never finished by the time they’re sitting in a cubicle seven years from now, reminiscing THEIR bygone era.
Prom tickets will cost $195 per person, or $390 per couple, not including parking, attire, dinner, transportation, corsages, tanning, teeth whitening, or emotional toll. A discounted “Economic Anxiety” rate is available to students willing to admit they drive a 2006 Nissan with no aux input.
According to school officials, the event is primarily funded by bake sales and the collective delusion that this night will somehow repair four years of social damage. Chaperones will be stationed throughout the venue to ensure all grinding is done at least six inches apart and only with the eyes of God watching.
Local parent Tom Renner confirmed he is spending $1,850 to ensure his daughter experiences “a night that will be fondly remembered until she realizes she peaked at 17 and the real world is a long, slow descent into adult acne and student loan debt.”
As for the big night itself, students plan to arrive in various vehicles ranging from limousines to rented Teslas they do not fully understand how to operate. The dance will be followed by a post-prom party, where underage drinking will be denounced sternly by adults in theory and completely ignored in practice.
As of Thursday, sources reported that the DJ has confirmed his attendance, promising a mix of radio-friendly pop, TikTok deep cuts, and at least one song that makes 87% of attendees suddenly remember that they’re in love with their best friend.
Prom By The Numbers:
$250: Dress altered to look like it wasn’t from last year’s homecoming
$6,000: Cost to transform gym into “A Night in Paris”
47: Gowns purchased from that one sketchy Instagram boutique
0: Refunds issued
$300: Average cost of hair that looked exactly the same by hour two
19: Promposals that involved minor property damage
$1.2 million: Budget for mood lighting to hide the janitor’s mop bucket
1: Kid who brought their mom
$42: Group photo package featuring at least one person blinking in every shot
212: Photos taken
211: Deleted immediately
$20: Venmo sent to DJ to please, please stop playing Pitbull
