Valentine’s Day is absolutely terrifying. It’s even scarier than the day after Labor Day, when the most dangerous and daring among us insist on wearing white. Valentine’s Day, after all, is the only holiday where a baby walks around wielding a bow-and-arrow (a baby called Cupid—one of those “modern” names like “bucket” or “air” I suppose) and it’s the only holiday where you might just find out that someone’s been admiring you in secret (if you’re lucky the proof can be found in their closet–usually in the form of a life-size cardboard cut-out of you). Even still, I have a good feeling about this Valentine’s Day. Here’s why:

• I have accounts on Match.com, eHarmony, J Date, and Christian Mingle…no takers so far but my fingers are crossed! My account names vary, but my description is the same for each: “a boyish looking chuckle buddy who likes long walks on the beach, making a downright mess when he eats, and sharing a home with two very special parents!”

• I’m ready for a new lady in my life. The last lady I had in my life, truth be told, was Lady Godiva…by which I mean Godiva chocolate ice cream. I had to stop eating it after a while as the doctors said I was becoming “morbidly obese”—I just felt morbidly in love!

• I regularly predict that I could never see myself with certain people (Santa Claus, Amelia Earhart, Taylor Swift); all of the romantic comedies I’ve seen would suggest that I will now be forced to spend time with each of them, which in turn will result in mutual endearment, a brief trial period, and then love, sweet love.

• I’ve got my groove back. I’m ready to tear up the floor, cut a rug, get low. Seriously—I’ve become interested in carpentry, a profession that frequently requires tearing up floors, cutting rugs, and getting low when remodeling. And while the most famous carpenter of all time was single, I feel good about my chances.