In recent years, hundreds of school districts across the United States have cut one day of the week from their school calendars. Under a 4-day instructional week, students attend school for only four days, vacating three days to recover from the horrors of learning. This shift is fueled by the need to cut costs and fill teacher vacancies. Because simply eliminating a school day is easier than addressing the deeper underlying issues, right?
Single, childless taxpayers, frustrated with our nation’s exorbitant waste of resources on the education of our youth, herald the new system as a way to save money.
“I learned everything I needed to know by watching The Magic School Bus,” said one proponent, who describes himself as an “elementary school graduate.” “The government is scamming you.”
Following a punishing decade for school funding, governments are now pushing to dramatically slash education spending. This spells impending disaster for already underfunded schools.
“These cuts are unfortunate but necessary,” said one official who chose to remain anonymous. “Our taxpayers simply cannot afford to fund their childrens’ education.” In other news, activity on Super Bowl betting sites has rocketed by 400% over the past year.
Thankfully, experts from a nearby kindergarten report that school is completely unnecessary. If the goal is to reduce spending, why have school at all? After all, nothing screams “Savings!” like a bill for the complete elimination of the Department of Education. Obviously, education specialists with decades of experience should not be in charge of our education system.
Instead, students can engage in self-directed learning, a process where the type and duration of learning is decided by the student. This modern, innovative method of education is a refreshing new take on our archaic pedagogical system. Besides, who needs well-trained teachers when a student can simply Google their questions? Why should we forego the comforts of modern technology? With the contents of the Internet at our fingertips, and Tiktok to tell us all that we need to know, why seek an education at all?
“When my boss told me to prepare a case, I simply asked ChatGPT to do it for me,” said lawyer Kevin Zhou, who was fired from his job a week later for lying in court.
Self-directed learning teaches kids how to make the best of what they don’t have, and let’s not forget the life skills they’ll acquire, like time management (taking a TikTok break every five minutes) and self-discipline (as they struggle to resist the call of Netflix).
Removing the crutch of a structured school-day forced students to fend for themselves, transforming them into self-motivated, proactive members of society. Throwing six-year olds into the deep end is the best way to ensure a productive workforce.
“I find that watching horror movies while studying improves focus and boosts efficiency,” said one advocate, who recently received her GED at the age of 32.
More importantly, students are free to choose which subjects they would like to pursue. With no restrictions and endless options, no one will be there to tell your student that they cannot make a living flipping Pokemon cards instead of learning trivial things like how to read and write.
“I have to spend 3 hours every day barricading the door against police attempting to break in, but after this new policy gets passed, skipping school won’t be illegal anymore,” professional gamer zZgys@123 said.
The best part: shifting to an entirely self-directed education system would bring both expenditures and staff shortages down to zero. With billions of dollars in leftover tax revenue, the United States will have the capital to shut down rioting teachers and purchase the new iPhone 15 for White House executives.
The panacea for all of our educational woes—self-directed learning—is an obvious choice for a country tired of school.