It is time to celebrate the end of an era and the commencement of a new chapter: the renovation of our bathrooms. As students go about their day, nature is bound to call, and we have all found ourselves in one of McLean’s bathrooms at one point or another. Here at McLean, we pride ourselves on our bathrooms—a beautiful display of our students’ creativity and character.

This summer, the artifacts left by generations of McLean students will be washed away. We will not let our bathrooms be forgotten, and the least we can do is pay our respects for what we have loved and lost.
Goodbye bathroom dividers, the symbol for the imaginative essence of the McLean student-turned-virtuoso. You have served as a canvas for some of our most gifted students’ artistic ventures. You are home to illustrations that tastefully grasp the beauty of the human form. Because of you, our artistic passions will continue to burn like the scent of an unflushed toilet.

No longer can we enjoy some light reading from our award-winning poets, including compositions such as “Kill yourself plz” and “I like women.” These works have survived the test of time, remaining on the walls to enthrall generations of bathroom-goers.

The bathrooms play a crucial role in fostering camaraderie and community spirit. These holy institutions are safe havens for students to bond with each other at the urinals which conveniently have no dividers. Students can pee in peace with the knowledge that they will never be alone. Lifelong friendships have been forged at these hallowed toilets, blooming from remnants of yesterday’s lunch of mozzarella sticks and marinara sauce.

Dysfunctional toilets make for rewarding experiences, blessing students with agility and strengthening their reflexes. After pressing the toilet handle, students have to channel their inner Olympic athlete to avoid regurgitated waste and spraying sewage water. Frequently broken toilet paper dispensers prevent users from accessing the luxurious, single-ply toilet paper. This encourages students to find creative ways to clean themselves.

The school bathrooms are McLean’s treasure, the most aesthetically pleasing area of the school. Nothing beats the scent of cotton candy vape mixed with sewage when a cloud of air ambushes your nose. That, along with the gardens of stray toilet paper (McLean’s very own Pisstine Chapel) and rivers of sewage water beats any spring day in the park.
You may even find the occasional stray carrot, twice-cooked beans or puddles of chocolate milk (is it milk?). Instead of waiting in the never-ending lunch line, students can conveniently access the school lunch and menu items within the bathroom.

In addition to the Michelin Star-worthy buffets, another staple of the facilities are frequent social events, such as “Monday Vape Circle” and “Faded Fridays.” These exclusive, invite-only occasions provide the opportunity for students to de-stress after hours of lectures.

The stalls provide the ideal environment to release pent up aggression by fighting. The stalls serve as a popular arena for including gladiator fighting, extreme sports, capture the toilet paper and try not to inhale. However, few of them require as much focus or dedication as “flush-the-toilet” or “aim-in-the-urinal.” In addition to access to sporting events, tickets include a complimentary trip to the principal’s office and, if you’re lucky, the juvenile detention center, where you may enjoy a much needed break from school. Five out of five wipes.

Dear bathrooms, you were the pride of McLean, and we will never forget you. Sincerely, your #1 and #2 fans.

But seriously…

Although some of the problems that plague the bathrooms can be attributed to the school’s lack of maintenance, such as holes in the ceiling, sewage on the floor and the constant lack of feminine products, the blame for most of the issues falls on the students. Broken dispensers and garbage on the floor, dysfunctional toilets and graffiti are the unfortunate result of students’ apathetic attitudes. As a McLean community, it is important for us to work together to keep the bathrooms clean and consider our hardworking custodians before making messes. New facilities are ineffective if bathroom attitudes remain the same.