The bald eagle symbolizes America, cheeseburgers and capitalism, but is this bird genuinely worthy of the title of “national bird” or “symbol of freedom”? The bigger question is does it deserve to represent us? The answer is no, it does not. Benjamin Franklin advocated for the turkey to be our national bird, and we are here to carry on his avian hot take.
Turkeys look better
It’s in the name: they’re bald. Our government is run by balding old men, but that does not mean our national bird should mirror that look. Turkeys are beautiful and majestic with their varying tones of brown. Not only do they have a beautiful brown color but they are perfectly plump, with curves in the right places, the ideal body type for birds.
They are the Kardashians of the bird world (believe me, Vogue tried to put them on the cover, but their legs were too long). Their impressive yet elusive qualities along with their rise to fame and prominence, make them the perfect example of the American dream. (a funny joke to those who know about the realities of capitalism and the economy). We will not rest until we switch over to the actual bird of democracy and consumerism: the turkey.
End the eagles’ empire of lies
Have you ever seen those cool edits about America on Instagram with the flags, guns, fire and the screeching eagle? Don’t be fooled, the screeching you hear is from the red-tailed hawk.
Then what does the bald eagle sound like? A sad, unpatriotic wimp. Even worse, the bald eagle is not a thief in the night but a thief in the air. The bald eagle is an opportunistic predator and scavenger known for stealing prey from other birds. They say innocent until proven guilty, but this bird has been caught red-taloned too many times, repeatedly proving that they are not worthy of being our national bird. Let’s focus on a bird that really deserves it: the turkey. This honest bird, much like honest Abe, will not disappoint us.
Stop eagle capitalism
Not only is the bald eagle a big fat bald liar, it is also a greedy capitalist. Bald eagles build the largest nest out of any other bird in North America, with their homes being made of moss, plant stalks, grass, seaweed and lichens, reaching six feet in diameter and going as far as three feet deep. But lichens? In this economy? Now, that is just presumptuous. Although bald eagles once faced extinction, that is not an excuse to flaunt these large and impractical nests. The nesting market, much like the American housing market, is currently in shambles with many other birds struggling to pay off their mortgages and nervous about the property values (although that has been slowly going down due to deforestation). Let’s turn our attention to the more considerate bird that sympathizes with the people’s struggles: the turkey. Turkeys nest on the ground using dead leaves, bases of trees, brush piles and even hayfields. Turkeys are considerate of the economy, the nesting market and the people they should rightfully represent.
