On Feb. 16, the Alabama Supreme Court decided that embryos held in a cryopreservation tank were legally equivalent to living children. Since then, multiple infertility clinics in Alabama have halted IVF treatments and embryo shipments, reasoning that if stored embryos are considered human children living in a “cryogenic nursery,” then clinics could face significant liability if those embryos are damaged or destroyed. The financial burden of this liability will likely fall on patients, many of whom already struggle to afford IVF treatments.
“Doctors don’t realize the importance of keeping people poor and desperate,” heir to the multi-million dollar empire EZCheese Humphrey Linski said. “Many will probably turn to dangerous alternatives in order to get the care they need, and in that case, it’s probably better that they don’t conceive.”
The ruling went on to explain that now that one of the highest courts in the land has nullified bodily autonomy as a constitutional right and made it vastly difficult to access reproductive healthcare, they finally have time to workshop new laws that will make it significantly easier to strip basic human rights from the American people.
“I let the Bible guide me on this issue, and there are no doctors in the Bible,” said Justice Amy Frank, who voted in favor of the motion. “The best course of action was to obviously ignore the opinions of numerous medical professionals who begged me not to pass this decision.”
The Alabama court decision underscored the anti-abortion movement’s long-standing goal of granting embryos and fetuses legal and constitutional protections equivalent to those of the women carrying them.
“A lot of people don’t know this, but I was once aborted myself,” said Justice Benjamin Cleaver, a staunch supporter of fetal rights who was put on house arrest for running an illegal child fight ring. “I’ve also sued enough doctors to basically be one now, so I don’t know why people are saying that I’m not qualified to make this decision.”
The majority-female state assembly in Georgia has taken it one step further, proposing a bill that will mandate vasectomies for all men.
Vasectomies are a nearly 100 percent effective method of male birth control. The procedure has very few side effects or complications and it is usually reversible. The women in charge of the bill believe that the operation, which will not be covered by most healthcare providers, is a small sacrifice for men to make in exchange for saving millions of fetuses per year.
Shockingly, the bill has been met with hysteria by radical men’s rights activists across the country.
“It is my right to choose what happens to my body,” prominent men’s rights advocate Christopher Leo said. “You can’t force young boys to have a vasectomy. That is a deeply personal choice that the law should not dictate. This medical procedure has lifelong repercussions, and it is a blatant violation of my privacy and my right to make my own decisions about my fertility.”
The National Delegation of Women for Extrauterine Children (NDWEC) disagrees.
“How come life starts at conception? We must be even more militant in our definition of life. Every time a man ejaculates, thousands of his children are killed. That is murder. It doesn’t make sense for us to regulate what happens after conception has already occurred; the damage is done,” NDWEC President Melinda Lan said. “This law will eliminate all unwanted pregnancies. Why should women be shouldering the responsibility when men have always held the foolproof solution?”
