In yet another historic move, President Donald J. Trump announced today that he is beginning the process of withdrawing America from the United States.
“You know, we pulled out of the Paris Agreement, the WHO, NAFTA, Stormy Daniels—I’ve pulled out of so many things, and now, we’re doing the biggest, most tremendous exit of all time,” Trump said. “America is LEAVING the United States! Finally, we’re taking our country back from our country!”
While experts debate the feasibility of an entire country detaching from its own governing system, Trump has assured his supporters that Trump States, the newly declared successor state, will “win so much, you may even get tired of winning.”*
*Quote from Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign.
When pressed on the legal framework for his decision, Trump dismissively stated that “the Founding Fathers never had to deal with this kind of fake news.” He also criticized the Bill of Rights as “a real disaster” and suggested that the Constitution was written by “a bunch of losers who never built a single golden skyscraper.”
“We looked into it, folks, and I’m allowed to do this,” Trump said. “If Sleepy Joe can open the border, I can close it. No more tunnels, no more fear. Trump States is finally here!”*
*Quote from an AI-generated video posted on Trump’s Instagram account promoting the development of Gaza into a luxury resort.
Trump States is already facing pushback from global leaders, many of whom appear unsure if the declaration is a joke or a legitimate crisis, yet again. However, Russia and North Korea have quickly recognized Trump States as an official nation, prompting Trump to declare it “a great honor.”
While the logistics of America’s self-secession remain murky, Trump is reportedly working on rebranding “The United States” as a liberal hoax designed to usurp democracy while ensuring that all American “history” prior to 2016 and from 2020 to 2024 will be retroactively canceled. Trump has also suggested appointing himself as “President for Life,” which he assures is “not a dictatorship, just a tremendous, tremendous idea.”
As negotiations continue, reports indicate that Trump has also expressed interest in pulling himself out of reality, though sources suggest this may have already occurred some time ago.
When asked about key policy changes in Trump States, Trump confirmed:
- The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has mandated that the IRS be replaced with a new system where citizens wire money directly to the Trump Organization, cutting out “bureaucratic inefficiencies” and ensuring “maximum profits.”
- Healthcare plan? “The Best One.” Though details remain unclear, Trump insists that his plan will be “way better than Medicare,” because it won’t exist.
- Justice system overhaul. Instead of traditional courts, legal disputes will be resolved via Twitter polls, or at Mar-a-Lago’s new Supreme Court (a beachfront cabana).
