Amid skyrocketing consumer prices, the Trump administration reassured the American public Tuesday that its tariffs were working exactly as intended, proudly announcing that citizens should embrace the opportunity to pay four times as much for essential goods.
“Some people are complaining about price hikes, but what they don’t understand is that these tariffs are making America great again,” said White House trade advisor Peter Kent, adding that Americans should feel honored to spend $20 on a single apple. “Sure, things are more expensive now, but that’s just the price of economic patriotism. If you can’t afford groceries, just remember that every extra dollar you spend is another victory in the trade war against China.”
Privately, insiders tell a separate story of potential tampering with upcoming inflation data due to the high prices. The administration’s aggressive tariffs on everything from steel and electronics to agricultural imports have led to severe shortages, supply chain disruptions, and thousands of layoffs in the manufacturing and farming sectors, but officials insist that these are simply growing pains on the way to a much less affordable future.
“Tariffs are the best thing we’ve ever done,” Trump said. “Before, we were buying cheap stuff from China. But now, we’re making it so expensive that people don’t buy anything at all. And that’s how you win a trade war. Very smart. Nobody’s ever done it like this.”
Privately, whistleblowers contend that Trump has disclosed to aides a plan to force the Treasury to fabricate inflation data showing 0.00% inflation for the upcoming quarter. While watchdog groups plan to sue to prevent data fabrication, the case has poor prospects as the Republican-dominated Supreme Court recently ruled that the constitution does not apply to anyone with the last name ‘Trump.’
“IF YOU DON’T BUY ANYTHING, PRICES WON’T MATTER ANYMORE,” Trump said in a Truth Social post late Thursday afternoon, offering an unconventional solution to soaring prices.
In the meantime, as Trump’s inflation numbers adjustment is still being coordinated, Trump will formally rebrand inflation as “Patriot Pricing,” with the website PatriotPricing.gov to be launched at a Rose Garden ceremony and press conference.
“Real PATRIOTS would do anything for their NATION,” Trump emphatically posted alongside an announcement for the Rose Garden event.
