In a bold move against undocumented immigration, ICE agents stormed a local kindergarten Wednesday morning to detain 4-year-old Andy Garcia, whose birth on US soil they deemed a “technicality at best.”
“We have reason to believe this individual entered the country through highly illegal means,” said ICE Director Chief DePorter, adding that young Garcia “jumped the birth canal” in an attempt to circumvent border controls. “We simply cannot reward this kind of blatant disrespect for the rule of law.”
Terrified classmates watched as heavily armed agents zip-tied the toddler’s wrists before loading him into the back of an armored vehicle. Teachers say they tried to explain that Andy was a US citizen, but ICE dismissed those claims as “woke nonsense.”
“Just because you pop out on this side of the border doesn’t mean you belong here,” said DePorter. “If that were the case, my ex-wife wouldn’t have custody of my kids.”
ICE has since announced plans to extend its crackdown on unauthorized births, including raiding maternity wards and installing ultrasound checkpoints. Expectant mothers will now be required to submit fetal visa applications by the second trimester or risk in utero deportation.
“It’s about national security,” said ICE spokesperson Eyron Fortress. “We have intelligence indicating that some of these infants could grow up to commit the ultimate crime, applying for Social Security.”
In response to mounting criticism from immigration advocates and legal scholars, the Department of Homeland Security has released a revised set of guidelines for fetal immigration compliance, including the Amniotic Border Immigration Trespasser Control Hearings, conducted during ultrasound. Under this proposal, any fetus found “loitering” in the womb without proper documentation past the 24-week mark will be classified as a “gestational trespasser” and subject to immediate prenatal deportation.
The Garcia family, now facing deportation to a country their son has never known, has vowed to fight the decision. Immigration lawyers argue that Andy’s birthright citizenship is protected under the 14th Amendment, but ICE officials dismissed the clause as “an outdated loophole that activist judges refuse to close.”
Hospitals across the country are bracing for increased federal oversight. ICE has reportedly deployed agents to monitor delivery rooms nationwide, ensuring that every newborn “earns their American status the right way,” by:
- Paying $5 million to the US government and obtaining a Gold Card.
- Securing a corporate sponsorship before birth.
- Correctly identifying all 50 states prior to exiting the womb.
- Obtaining a notarized letter of recommendation from two or more of the founding fathers via seance.
- Securing a majority vote in Congress before the infant’s first diaper change.
- Providing a written assurance that the infant’s first words won’t be in a foreign language.
Or:
- Presenting an affiliation with the Trump administration.
