So…did we ever find out whether androids dream of electric sheep?

If you are even a slightest fan of sci-fi, it would have been nearly impossible to not know of the cult classic known as Ridley Scott’s Blade Runner. Released in 1982, it has garnered a reputations as one of the greatest science fiction films of the century, and a milestone in filmmaking.

*deep, deep sigh*

Thing is, Blade Runner wasn’t really the movie for me. I watched it for the first time a day before going to see this movie, and thought it was…passable at best. The pacing was Gone with the Wind, the visuals, like with most classic films, haven’t aged well in 35 years, and its story characters were generally standard, even shallow at times.

Of course, that comment alone might be enough to get me crucified in the film community. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I hate classic films in general. Terminator 2 I find has aged very well, and Alien is still one of my favorite horror movies out there. But perhaps some of you agree that there is a reason to why Blade Runner was so divisive when it first released.

Due to an abysmal performance in box office records, a sequel was unthinkable at the time. However, after nearly 35 years, director Denis Villenue…eu…euve…goddammit, even the director’s name is as difficult as the movie. Director Denis Villleneuve brings us the sequel, Blade Runner 2049, along with returning Harrison Ford and main star Ryan Gosling.

In this world, humanity has produced a line of engineered humans called replicants. In 2049, these beings have been integrated into the society, mainly for slave labor due to their enhanced physicality.

Continuing off from where Indiana Jones ran off with his love interest back in Blade Runner, the sequel centers around Ryan Gosling as K, the titular blade runner, a replicant who hunts down and “retires” older rogue replicants (Perhaps it’s foreshadowing the fate of the iPhone 8). During one of his missions, K discovers a secret that could potentially destroy the wall between humans and replicants, and must move to eradicate it before a devastating uprising. Oh, and the original protagonist Rick Dekard turns up as well.

I suppose Han Solo fell off that bridge in Star Wars 7 and ended up in Los Angeles, but either way, this sequel had my attention for a long time, mostly one of worry. This was bringing back a renown classic after 35 years. This was giving me rather serious alarm bells indicating another Terminator Genisys or Ghostbusters.

Though judging from the reaction it’s gotten, that clearly isn’t the case. Since its release, this film has been lauded as a modern classic. People have praised it for expanding on the original’s story, and in some cases, even surpassing it.

When I went to see it, I should have felt the same. I get the feeling that I’m supposed to goggle over this movie like a seven year-old looking over grandmother’s triple-fudge brownies. Any inkling of doubt I have about this movie is blasphemous and should be eradicated with a blowtorch and 2049 machine guns.

*another deep, deep sigh*

Maybe I’m the problem here. Maybe my brain is just too narrow-minded for whatever cleverly woven riddles or themes that are in these movies. Maybe I’m not the one for “thinking” types of films. Maybe I’m just too much of a perfectinist *&#^ to really appreciate the visions behind this “modern masterpiece.”

Problem is, I didn’t know what to think of this film. I initially planned for this review to be up by Saturday, but spent all night thinking about it, and the next thing I knew I was stuffing pancakes into my mouth at 7:00 am, still lost on what to say about this movie.

I like it. I don’t like it. I’m intrigued by it. I’m bored as hell. I’m immersed. I’m dozing off. All of this I experienced in the span of 2 hours and 43 minutes.

Surprisingly, the nitty-gritty parts, the small details that showed the world in 2049 that I loved. Just a simple scene of a holographic billboard or a synced hologram-human sex (btw, this film is rated R) was what made the setting come alive. The small components are all good in their own right.

As for the main story…this is where it gets curiouser and curiouser.

When I look back on it, the story itself is a rather simple mystery flick. K finds one thing, investigates, finds another thing, reminisces, finds yet another thing, screams and shouts, finds a final thing and looks at the snow.

However, the questions it poses are far more complex. Saying it outright would be a spoiler, but just know that it does indeed ask whether the boundaries between born and made are truly defined. I did think those questions were a bit too explicit at times, but I suppose it’s all part of the bigger picture.

*third deep, deep sigh*

Problem is, that bigger picture is as confusing as the results of the 2016 election.

One praise I can definitely get behind is with the visuals. The shots are majestic, so much that I can almost ignore the inefficiency of having your entire office shrouded in shadow or across a stepping stone bridge that high-heeled ladies have to cross. But they turn out to be one of the problems here, as the film loses focus with those visuals in play.

The truth is, I was completely befuddled at this movie and even hated it a bit when I first watched it. Only after going home and organizing the plot without shots of rainy Los Angeles or a giant naked hologram woman (like I said, this is rated R) did I truly understand the whole story, and see some of the more brilliant parts.

I don’t think Blade Runner 2049 truly knows what it wants to do. Is it trying to tell a story, or is it trying to show you how many screensavers you can get off this film? The constant throwing of grandiose images at our eyes distracts from the main plot. More than that, it grinds the pacing of the movie to a halt.

163 minutes. At least a third of it could have been cut down if the film didn’t feel an urge for a wondrous shot that lasts nearly 30 seconds and comes just as often. Between gawking at a radioactive Las Vegas and Jared Leto fondling a freshly made replicant covered in slime (……rated R), the details of the story is gone from my mind, which may explain why I felt no sense of buildup, climax, or ending. It just felt like experimental movie clips Frankensteined into a film.

Another thing that contributed to the confusion – and this is one thing I can say I truly hate about this movie – is the OST. The sweeping shots might still have been enjoyable if the music wasn’t threatening to scramble my eardrums. When the soundtrack gets loud, it gets loud, until it just devolves into a dull roar. Um, who wrote this soundtrack again?

…well that explains a lot.

And it comes at all the wrong moments as well. I mean, do you really need a roaring whine of whatever electric instruments were used during a scene of K flying over an ATARI building? Both the visuals and OST create a perfect synergy – that completely derails any focus or immersion the main story could have provided.

Consider this. Diamonds are extremely pretty, I doubt anyone can deny that. But if you lay out a couple of diamonds on a piece of paper and color the area around them with gold, pink, and every assortment of neon, and have Elvis Presley blaring on stereo, would you be able to fully appreciate the beauty of the diamonds? More likely you will walk away from it with a severe need to go to the clinic.

What didn’t help was Ryan Gosling. Perhaps my memories are bioengineered, because what I saw from him definitely didn’t match the praise everyone is giving his performance. 99% of the time he’s staring into the distance, his face as emotionless as a terminator, and the other 1% he’s suddenly screaming his head off. I couldn’t get a grasp on what his character was supposed to be like. Considering what is revealed about him later on, I suppose it’s brilliant in a way, but even so, if the protagonist’s performance isn’t interesting enough to get me immersed in the story, then what’s the point?

Everyone else is just…weird. Some are crying while crushing a glass in another’s hand, some are creepily mumbling poetic lines to a very confused Indiana Jones, and many of them have perfected the art of staring endlessly with a lost look. Was it the director’s intention? Was he trying to draw a connection between blank acting and the equally bleak nature of Los Angeles 2049? If that was the case, he succeeded – but I don’t think that’s a compliment.

(On a side note, why so many naked women, Denis Villeneuve? Is it another symbolism for something else, or did I miss the word “FANSERVICE” written out in big red letters across the screen the entire time?)

I normally would cut a disjointed and distracted story some slack for good presentation. But in this case, the presentation actually contributes to that disjointedness and distraction. The story itself, when I have mentally organized it, is okay, but like the first film, doesn’t really go that far.

Hate me all you want; I know a lot of you aren’t going to agree with this, and even hate this review. If this jumbled mess of bright colors, loud noises, and a reasonably okay mystery means something deeper to you, then great. Maybe you have reached a level of understanding that I never did. See, this is why I never took AP Psychology.

Final Verdict: D+

Blade Runner 2049 is majestic-looking gibberish.