April Fails

FaceTime bug intended, Apple claims

An+eye+ominously+occupies+the+FaceTime+app+icon.+Consumers+have+likened+the+bug+to+the+work+of+Big+Brother.
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April Fails

An eye ominously occupies the FaceTime app icon. Consumers have likened the bug to the work of Big Brother.

An eye ominously occupies the FaceTime app icon. Consumers have likened the bug to the work of Big Brother.

Photos courtesy of Creative Commons (app logo) and Pixabay (eye). Arranged by Camille Blakemore.

An eye ominously occupies the FaceTime app icon. Consumers have likened the bug to the work of Big Brother.

Photos courtesy of Creative Commons (app logo) and Pixabay (eye). Arranged by Camille Blakemore.

Photos courtesy of Creative Commons (app logo) and Pixabay (eye). Arranged by Camille Blakemore.

An eye ominously occupies the FaceTime app icon. Consumers have likened the bug to the work of Big Brother.

Camille Blakemore

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After widespread consumer outrage, Apple denies the FaceTime bug, known as “FacePalm”, was a mistake. The security breach allowed users to remotely access the microphone and camera of potential Group FaceTime-rs before they had answered the phone.

“If you think about it, it’s actually kind of funny,” said Tim Cook, CEO of Apple. “We did it for April Fools’- imagine all the fun you can have pranking people!”

When asked why the bug debuted in January, when April Fools’ Day is in April, Apple did not respond to requests for comment.

Grant Thompson, a freshman in Arizona, was not amused, however.

“My friends hacked my Fortnite [account]! I was on level 63 and now I’m on 47. They stole all of my leaderboards, too,” Thompson said. “I’m so devoted to Fortnite- I even cleared out extra space on my phone by archiving extra, unimportant things like my FICA app and the phone app.”

It brings into question why we pay so much for so-seemingly little.

“As a consumer, I am indignant. My parents paid good money for this phone, and I deserve to get what they paid for!”

Thompson was impressed with the effect discovering the bug had on his social life.

“Quite a few of my friends know of it and think it’s pretty cool,” Thompson said (Shaban/TWP). “Shannon Majeski let me sit at her lunch table yesterday. Shannon. Majeski.”

As chants of AppleGate rang out, with disgruntled customers rioting in the streets, it became increasingly clear that this is Apple’s nadir. The criticism was largely a result of Apple’s so-called commitment to security and privacy.

According to recent reports, the FaceTime breach has been branded ‘FacePalm’ by security researchers, who say Apple’s security team should have known better (Perlroth/TNYT).
“We again apologize to our customers and we thank them for their patience,” Apple said.  “In addition to addressing the bug that was reported, our team conducted a thorough security audit of the FaceTime service and made additional updates to both the FaceTime app and server to improve security,” (Shaban/TWP).

One such update wasn’t in the FaceTime app directly. A tweak to the Apple Terms & Conditions contributed a new “No Snitchin’” policy, with specific ramifications including loss of gaming  privileges and blocking Fortnite in seemingly-random states such as Arizona.

The Garlic interviewed a nearby passerby, who was looking very happy as she exited the Microsoft store.

“So what if this phone is slower, bulkier, and more expensive?” said Julia Orwell, a former Apple devotee. “At least Big Brother isn’t watching me.”

After our conversation, Orwell’s new Samsung Galaxy S7 promptly exploded in her hands.

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